#49 TNT #InBananasWeTrust: The Scandalous Truth About Banana Consumption in the United States

by | Jan 22, 2020 | Blog, Podcasts, Popular | 0 comments

Bananas are exceptionally trustworthy fruits. As opposed to say, the avocados, who would readily lie through bumpy skin and cheek if such a deceitful breach in morality should benefit their ecological proceedings.

I discovered this while on a GapQuest, seeing as bananas also happen to be one of the world’s cheapest per unit commodities.

In truth, I probably consume over 400 bananas a year. In this Theory, I’ve decided to share my appreciation of the banana, and examine what it means to be trustworthy—from a banana’s perspective.

The banana shares its feelings from the outside in. She is often so forthright that shoppers can effectively gauge her current mood by the color of her external sheath alone.

“I’m still a bit nervous,” squealed the greenest of the bunch. “Give me another few days to prepare, will ya ma’am? I promise I’ll be ready by Sunday brunch.” And feeling relatively reasonable ourselves, we usually comply, allowing the bitter little boomerang her weekend fun.

Her riper cousins with supple golden skin,

on the other bunch,

are subject to one of two overarching destinies…

Option 1. They are eaten by a creature.

Most commonly consumed as a breakfast snack or some variation of a fruit-infused baked good, the banana’s admittedly nominal nutritional properties are further absorbed by its dominator.

So it seems the bananas themselves are content with this process, otherwise they might have already become poisonous to humans.

For now, of course, non-toxic bananas are readily available for purchase at 500+ locations in the Greater Pittsburgh Area (despite there not being a single fruiting banana tree for over 1000 miles). [Divide the population of the United States (327.2 million) by the population of the Greater Pittsburgh Area (302,407), and, somehow, using a mysteriously elementary version of arithmetic, we discover that there are over 542,992 places to buy bananas in the United States. We’ve gone bananza for bananas!]

And where do these glowing yellow rods of portable potassium originate? Mostly Guatemala, weighing in at a yearly import count of 3,348.75 million pounds, but a significant 1,700 million pounds come from Ecuador. Altogether, in the United States we import more than 4 million metric tons a year.

A noble journey for any fruit, especially the classic Cavendish, with its squishy innards and delicate armour.

What a shame it is, then, that Option 2 even exists… which is to be thrown into a dumpster for all of eternity.

While bananas easily surpass our nation’s combined consumption of apples and oranges, the yellow sugar sticks in question are also the most commonly trashed item at grocery stores. Have a gander for yourself in the dumpster behind any ALDI.

Seriously, now that I’ve told you this, you are an ignorant Chamberist if you don’t at least stop by an Aldi one night after 11pm and check the dumpster.

If a series of 10-15 brown spots form on the banana’s skin, nameless ALDI executives consider them “unsellable”.

Of course, 90% of the time the bananas are totally still edible. Mark my words: We will look back on these crimes as we do upon the senseless murders commited in Nazi Germany.

Yes, this is their tragic demise. All the way from Ecuador they sailed, to be tossed in a rusty suburban dumpster. And this is merely because they tried to tell the truth about what’s inside?

sad bananas = sad A.C.E.

On gloomy grocery days, there seems to be no solution. There seems to be nothing we can do about this shameful scandal. Of course Señora ALDI is going to keep throwing away the bananas. Señora ALDI has a bottom line, and a bunch of creepy stockholders all want to grab her ass.

I think it’s time we all sing #InBananasWeTrust, and show the beautiful fruit how much we care about her.


Here are some of my ideas to even out this extreme imbalance of disposal and disrespect.

1. Write letters to your local grocery stores asking if they would consider allowing a drop-off system behind the store where they put the bananas they “legally have to throw away” in a separate container instead of the dumpster. People of all sorts can then stop by for a few bushels of Organic Bananas from Costa Rica. (At least half of the bananas are.)

2. Buy your bananas at a local Co-op that supports Equal Exchange. While these bananas may cost an extra 4 cents per fruit, they are by far the most delicious I’ve had in the U.S. The ones I had were from Perú, and they smelled like a banana flower in heat.
Travel to banana producing country on a GapQuest to witness a banana tree growing with your own eyes, and say sorry to it. Depending on the response you receive, try and ask a question, or provide a bit of information about yourself. Ask or say whatever you feel is right. This may lead to an astonishing conversation. 

3. Go to ALDI and get your bananas from the dumpster. It may be the Dirty Gringo in me, but I believe those fruits are totally ok to eat. Wash them down with hot water at home and I bet they will last another 1.5 weeks. Even then, throw them in the freezer and make some Super Dank Breakfast Chocolate Banana Ice Cream or Mama Veronica’s Banana Bread on a a sunny Sunday morning.

4. Try out some new Banana Recipes and share them with your friends. Here is an ever growing list of Banana Recipes that you can experiment with and let me know how it goes.

5. These ideas may sound “whack,” per say the Chamberists. But try at least one of the ideas and share about your experience here; and may the Universal Banana Consciousness gaze upon you with a more honorable distinction.

Peeled, trashed, or baked in pancakes, at least we know that Mr. Johnson likes em’. #InBananasWeTrust

Stay wild folks,

A.C.E. the Theorist 🍌


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